Difficult conversations are not something that any human being really enjoys. I would be concerned if I met someone who loved having a difficult conversation — that would be a little weird! A difficult conversation is any interaction with another person that is likely to cause unexpected and/or unenjoyable emotions from either of the people involved. This is why we struggle and tend to avoid difficult conversations: we fear not knowing how the situation will pan out, how the other person will react or how well we will manage our emotions during the conversation.
There are 5 steps to difficult conversations:
- Ask open questions (eg. How are you?, how are things with work?, how do you currently feel about your job?, Are you happy with your current levels of performance?)
- Listen and pause
- Empathise
- Ask “How do we fix this?”
- Next steps and offer support.
This is not about having a script and following it word for word as that would be weird, unauthentic and not very emotionally intelligent. It’s also not about being triggered by our own fear and overpreparing for the conversation ready with our ammunition bag of examples, statistics and reports ready to prove we are right, and they are wrong. Instead, it’s about knowing the way to approach the situation and how to follow the emotion in the conversation to get the best outcome possible for everyone. Let’s discuss the 5 common difficult conversations in the workplace.
Underperformance
Underperformance refers to an employee who is not performing at the required and expected level based on their role and compensation. This can be technical (in the field of their expertise), operational (day- to- day performance of tasks) or behavioural (their behaviour towards work, standards/values or other people). The first thing we are looking to understand through open questions is what the cause of the underperformance is:
- lack of skills and/or ability to do the role?
- lack of training?
- lack of care factor or drive?
- poor attitude or behaviour (whether they are oblivious to it or not)?
The purpose of this conversation is not to speak at the team member. The purpose is for them to be aware of the underperformance and to understand why it’s happening (only they know the answer to this) and what the next steps are will be dependent on this answer.
Redundancy
Making someone redundant when it has nothing to do with their ability or performance and is simply a change in focus for the business is tough! Ensure you completely understand the ‘why’ and have looked at all options. You’ve got to ‘own’ the reality of the situation first. Connect with the person in the conversation before explaining the facts of the situation then allow them time to truly feel all the feelings. Listen and empathise and offer support. Can you connect them with other possible opportunities, help them redo their resume, put an action plan into place to find their next job, be a referee. Take the time to reflect on what they have brought to the role and the amazing memories. Be human, be real and feel the moment with them.
Unsuccessful job applications
Quite often there isn’t a perfect candidate for a role. Various people will have great attributes and it’s a matter of weighing up the pros with the cons to decide on the best possible fit for right now. Delivering this message is hard, especially if internal people have applied. This means existing relationships are also at stake and rejection is a hard pill to swallow. Emotions will likely be high and there is a good chance the other person will go into an emotional hijack. Empathy is a huge player in these conversations. There is absolutely no need to justify or defend your decision, instead explain the reasoning behind the decision and the thought process, but remain confident in the decision. Regardless of what we have planned for the conversation, the key is to let the other persons emotions lead the way once our decision has been delivered.
Conflict
Work colleagues are not always going to like each other — nor do they have to. They do, however, always need to respect each other and their positions. There will be some relationships/personalities that work and some that aren’t great. Add to this the fact that some days are shit. It’s as simple as that. Ultimately, it is about sitting them both down, separately at first, to let them vent each of their versions and get things off their chest. Then ask the open questions, listen and pause as they offload. The ‘how do we fix this’ question becomes the number one tool in this situation to allow logic in. Because how do you fix a personality conflict? It’s extremely hard, so continually coming back to the ‘how do we fix this’ forces the focus to be on the individuals, the role they play and what they can and can’t control. Let each of them know that the other person has no intentions of going anywhere and that you assume they also have no intention of leaving. As such, the reality is that you both work here and therefore must find a way to make this work. So, how do we fix this?
Personal issues
These types of issues and difficult conversations are 100 per cent personal so please don’t say ‘Don’t take it personally’ because it is! Be completely honest but don’t mistake honesty with being nasty or rude. Empathy is going to play a huge role in this conversation. Be very aware of the emotional responses as they change and let the conversation follow the emotion and empathy rather than the situation. Embarrassment alone can trigger many different emotions. Given many of these issues are so open to interpretation and can quite often be a grey area, it is best to approach the conversation with the facts of what has triggered it and then ask for the team member’s thoughts and insights to move towards a resolution that considers everyone.
These are purely examples to help spark ideas — please don’t use them as a script. There is nothing human- like about communicating a difficult conversation based on a script. Understand the person you are speaking to, how they are wired and how they react. Put the emotion over the situation and remember, emotional intelligence is always in play.
