A study by Bravely found that 70% of employees are avoiding difficult conversations. This is hardly surprising as the thought of entering into a situation where the outcome is unknown, and extreme emotions could be at play, is not something most adults get excited about. It tends to trigger our emotional brain (amygdala) fight or flight mechanism due to fear of not knowing how the other person will respond, potential conflict, feeling like a failure and feeling judged. Especially in the workplace where the ultimate consequence could impact our job and income.
Achieving success in a difficult conversation is heavily dependent on the people involved leveraging their emotional intelligence to gain self-control of our emotions and the ability to read the other person’s needs. With 95% of people thinking they are self-aware, but only 10 to 15% actually are, the odds are not usually in our favour.
Given we have no control over anyone else in this world except for ourselves, we can’t make the other person respond in an emotionally intelligent way during the conversation, especially if they lack emotional intelligence.
Lacking emotional intelligence in a conversation can look several different ways. The other person could be showing uncontrolled emotions that are either inappropriate to the situation, or inappropriate intensity levels. They could also be struggling to express their emotions, either way, we are always showing some form of emotion. The only thing we can do is ensure that our emotional intelligence is engaged and influence the direction of the conversation by following the emotions present at the time. Responding based on the emotions is how we achieve the desired outcome for everyone involved.
Here are 4 steps to approach a hard conversation with someone who isn’t emotionally intelligent:
- Don’t over prepare.
Preparation is required around the purpose of the conversation but due to the discomfort and fear involved in these conversations, we tend to overprepare. We are driven by our own fears based on the potential conflict and unknown response to the conversation that we use preparation to build a protection mechanism for our fear. We no longer have the opportunity to ‘flight’ and escape the conversation, so our ‘fight’ mechanism tends to be triggered. To protect ourselves, we put together as much ‘ammunition’, statistics, reports and examples as possible then enter the conversation feeling protected and ready to prove we are justified and right. Consequently, our approach then triggers the defensive ‘fight’ mode in the other person too and it becomes more about the battle of ‘right vs wrong’ then getting the best outcome. So, prepare the purpose of the conversation, have a clear understanding of the factors playing into it and potential outcomes but don’t build an ammunition pack ready to fight and ‘win’ the battle.
- Ask open questions and listen
If we are serious about getting the best outcome, the conversation must occur at the right time. This means starting the conversation with ‘how are you’. This is a basic check-in question that comes with curiosity to ensure now is the right time to get the best outcome. If someone is having a terrible day or there are other factors that are rightly consuming their mind, it’s probably not the best time to have the conversation. Sure, you can ‘tick-a-box’ and say what you are ready to say, get your part in it done and dusted, but again are you looking to get the right outcome or to ‘win’? Ask several open questions to break the tension, fear and defensive barriers. This will hep you to understand the emotion they are feeling, how they feel about their job/performance, their level of awareness and emotional intelligence in play. If this is not the first conversation about this issue and you have already gone through the discovery or curiosity process looking at potential options to resolve and you are now ready to deliver the final outcome, this step will not be required, just get to the point.
- Empathise and follow the emotion
Hard conversations are personal, and emotions will be in play. Identify the emotions the other person is feeling and work with the emotions rather than against them. Eg. Telling an angry person to ‘calm down’ or keeping an upset person in an embarrassing situation is unlikely to be productive. Be empathetic and recognise the emotion, recall when you last felt that emotion and identify what is the worst thing to say to someone feeling that emotion verse the best thing to say to move the conversation and emotion forward. Frequently the other person wants to be heard or understood and given a way to accept the situation but still keep their pride intact.
- How do we fix this?
The magic in this question is in the ‘we’ and feeling of being in it together. Often it will take asking this question more than once to break through the emotion and get the other person to own the reality of the situation focusing on the future rather than dwelling on the past. You may not end up doing anything, it might be just them but communicating with ‘we’ helps to remove the defence barrier between you.
Hard conversations are often not the problem, neither is worrying about the lack of emotional intelligence someone else might have. Stay focused on what we can control; our ability to communicate with emotional intelligence and follow the emotions that are present in the moment to achieve the best outcome for everyone involved.
